How to Not Care What Others Think and Actually Live Your Life
One of the most liberating feelings is when you are able to let go of others expectations and thoughts about you and truly just be you. It can be so hard in a world full of social media; while social media does have its perks of course, there are also clear drawbacks. We can be found constantly comparing ourselves to others and at the end of the day how productive is this? I think it’s time to stop caring so much about what others think and rather focus that attention on what we think of ourselves. Easier said than done – believe me I’m constantly a work in progress; but the more we practice letting go of other’s expectations and thoughts about us the more we are able to focus our attention on things that actually matter.
So what are the things that actually matter? Serving others and serving oneself are the main concerns in which are necessary to put our attention on. When I say serving one self I don’t mean trying to make yourself look better or act better to get more praise or attention; instead I mean giving all that praise and attention to yourself from yourself. This is practicing true self-love and enables you to be able to freely give to others without any hidden motives or agendas. At the end of the day you want to be surrounded by people that love you for you and if that’s not good enough for others – so be it. It is crucial you love you for you so you don’t feel as though it is a need to find the love from outside sources. Validation from others is just icing on the cake; however you are in charge of the way you view yourself no matter how anyone externally views you.
So how do you let go of what others think of you? Aside from loving oneself and others, understanding your emotions and what’s going on within oneself is key. Because distorted thoughts and believes are so unpleasant to experience in reality and because they invite us to feel fear and believe that the distorted thoughts might be true, we as humans use strategies to control and deny the distorted thoughts and false believes from our emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical sight – to defend ourselves against pain, sorrow, hurt, fear and anything else that would cause us emotional, physical, or spiritual discomfort. We become masterful at denying ourselves the gifts of connection because we are afraid to experience reality and all emotions that connect with reality and truth.
Truth about emotion:
- Your thoughts create your emotions. Your emotions our outcomes of your perceptions (distorted or truthful perceptions)
- Whether your thoughts are in truth or distortion, you’ll feel corresponding emotions. Your emotions are not indicators of the truth, because remember – your thoughts are what create your emotions.
- If you choose to avoid uncomfortable/painful emotions (be in distortion), you will be unable to find the truth.
Rather, choose to focus on clarifying what the truth is (thinking truthful thoughts), and you will experience the appropriate emotions (painful or pleasurable) to teach you and raise your awareness.
Every time you see yourself comparing or wondering what others are thinking of you – take time to reflect what you think about you. Is that enough? If not start practicing self love and day by day it will get easier to not even pay attention to what others may think of you. For more information regarding how to practice this daily self love – visit the validation tab. And always remember you have infinite worth no matter what you’ve done or who thinks what of you.
Mirror Mirror, What Do You See?
When you look in the mirror, are you satisfied with the person looking back? Are you happy with the person you are becoming? It is important you love that image in the mirror and the first step in loving that beautiful face is practicing good self care for yourself starting from within. It’s easy to care externally for yourself by showering and doing your hair, etc. However, what most people find the hardest (which is the key that is the most important) is caring internally for yourself.
This kind of self care includes…
- Taking responsibility for yourself
- Being emotionally honest and transparent
- Being conscious of what is motivating you
- Being humble, open and teachable
- Accepting vulnerability
- Validation and compassion for self
- Asking curious questions to identify your motives
- Challenging distorted thought and false beliefs and reframing them into truth
However, if you are not being emotionally honest with yourself you are brought into self neglect. Self neglect is denying oneself of nurturing, truth, vulnerability, validation and reality – which creates thoughts, feelings, and ultimately behaviors that are destructive. You can act out these behaviors through constant distractions of life or through trying to control every aspect of life. Don’t worry, we all are in a constant state of going in and out of distortion – however it is our responsibility to try our best to stay in the truth and be kind to ourselves to avoid going into self neglect.
Self care is the stable and constant path of replacing distorted thoughts and false beliefs with truth. It is the antidote to distorted thoughts and false beliefs because self care connects you with truth and reality. It creates connection with God, self and others.
Self love is the consistent outcome of being honest and responsive because when you don’t love yourself, you become dependent on others for things they can never give you – a sense of acceptance, worth, confidence and purpose.
No one can ever “make you” be enough, worthy, valued or beautiful. YOU are ultimately responsible for everything going on within you – which means reconnecting with the truth that you are worthy, loved and divine. So start loving yourself more today and as the days go by, the easier it will become! Trust me! It will take work as your mind will want to go back to self neglect because it’s “easier” there….but once you train your brain to think in the truth, you will never want to go back to the way you used to live! Loving yourself is the first key to happiness and the only way you are able to genuinely give to others. I challenge you to reframe your thoughts by thinking of three TRUTHFUL positive thoughts anytime you are stuck thinking a negative thought about yourself.
I hope this helps y’all understand the concept of self love a little more. Never doubt yourself, you are incredible in every single way – no matter what anyone says because we all have the same infinite worth at the end of the day.
Drama Free Livin
False beliefs affect your thinking, feelings and behavior. The way they influence you is by provoking these pathways to pain in your life:
- Self-Neglect – A lack of boundaries or positive habits that maintain your health and safety.
- Control – Attempting to evade fear and vulnerability by engaging in vain attempts to control the emotions and behavior of self and others.
- Distraction – Attempting to avoid pain by engaging in denial in order to not recognize (and believe you are not responsible for) the reality in front of you. Staying mentally and emotionally distracted with anything other than reality (truth).
Every Drama Requires Characters
Drama’s characters are the victim, the persecutor, and the controller. All three play very distinct roles and they each have clearly perceived “needs.” The “needs” that you think you have when you are in drama are lies. The truth is that what you need is to be out of drama. You need honesty, responsibility, and humility. Entering into drama creates pseudo-relationships that perpetuate distorted thoughts/false beliefs, and distort reality and truth.
Distorted thoughts and false beliefs are the cue that drama is present. In the following example, notice the dramatic roles (victim, controller, persecutor) being played out.
Victim
“Needs” to be irresponsible for oneself
“I’ll never be understood.”
“It’s not fair!”
“You’re always mad at me.”
I can’t do anything right.”
Controller
“Needs” to control people, situations, & emotions
Heroics
Enabling
Fix things/”help”
Manipulative – wants a certain emotional outcome
Persecutor
“Needs” to be right, aggressive
Views situations as threatening
Judge & jury; everything goes by me
Feels threatened – justifies aggression
Is perfect/never makes mistakes
Outcomes of Drama
An outcome of participating in drama (lies) is that false beliefs and distorted thoughts (lies) are reinforced. As we engage in drama (lies), our attention is shifted away from ourselves as though others are the source of our problem (which is a lie).
The instant you:
- Choose to be responsible for your feelings
- Choose to be responsible for your distorted thoughts
- Choose to be honest about your motives
….you will exit drama.
AND, you will re-enter drama gain if you:
- Choose not to take responsibility
- Choose not to be responsible for your distorted thoughts
- Choose not to be honest about your motives
It is vital that you understand that the feelings you experience when you are in drama are NOT accurate or in truth. Being in drama is evidence you are inside your own distorted thoughts/false beliefs. Therefore, your emotions are an outcome –a reaction- of those distorted thoughts, and will be “off,” skewed, and not in truth. It is so important to not react to your emotions and believe that because you feel something intensely that it must be the truth. That philosophy, belief, or reaction is NOT the truth – and it leads many people away from finding the truth, because they aren’t willing or open/humble to get curious about why they feel the way they do. Look for the thoughts that are creating and supporting the emotions (strong or mild) and identify if those thoughts are in truth or distortion.
Don’t react to emotions without becoming curious about the thoughts that are creating them.
The way out of drama is to connect (be honest, responsible and humble).
-If you’re in drama, what you need is validation.
-If others are in drama, what they need is validation.
-If you “don’t feel like” giving yourself or others validation, you are in drama.
To truly exit drama you must:
- Ask questions of curiosity to identify distortion
- Identify feelings/triggers
- Receive validation from self and/or another person
- Reframe distorted thoughts back into truth
I encourage you to pay close attention to yourself this week on when you notice yourself slipping into drama. Don’t become upset with yourself, just keep practicing on getting back into the truth of the situation and you will see your life gradually becoming more meaningful as you are livin drama free!
Letting Go
It’s so easy for people to get wrapped up in drama and not stay present. However, differentiating the truth from distortion helps you maintain a clear mind and a positive outlook on life. What is truth? Truth is stating the things you absolutely know to be the truth in a situation. Distortion on the other hand, is making up stories in our heads that don’t match up with these truth statements. It is crucial we replace our constant distortions with affirmations of the truth.
One example follows: “Sadie always ignores me; I must not be a good enough sister to get her attention.” This is total distortion! The truth is as follows: “There could be numerous reasons why Sadie isn’t talking to me and it has NOTHING to do with my worth. I am a daughter of God and am always good enough no matter what. I am responsible for myself and myself only.” That feels WAY better than the first version and this is what the truth is. At the end of the day, we all have infinite worth and any thought that tries to tell us the opposite is coming from the adversary.
It’s okay to have thoughts of distortion and it’s actually human nature to go right to the defensive side. However, it is up to us whether we let these thoughts linger or replace them with affirmations of the truth. Another example is as follows: “My roommate always takes my stuff. She doesn’t even respect me and things like this are always happening to me. Everyone walks all over me and I’m sick of it.” These sentences reflect living in shame. It is out option to look at ourselves like the target, but beating ourselves down is only dramatizing a story and being extremely unkind to ourselves. The truth is as follows: “I wonder if my roommate knows I don’t like her taking my stuff. I know this tends to happen a lot so I think I will politely ask her if she could ask next time. I can’t control so if she doesn’t change, so I will set boundaries to show love to myself. I know my worth and her taking my things has nothing at all to do with my personal worth.”
Speaking in truth is truly like a breath of fresh air! It increases your energy immensely and helps you think in the best mindset possible. I challenge you to replace those negative thoughts with what you know to be the truth in the situation. It’s crazy difficult, but so possible! If you continue to work and practice at it, it will soon become second nature!
Liberating Yourself from Distortion
There are typically four main distortions you can fall into the trap of.
- I am not enough
- I am not worthy
- I am unlovable
- My needs don’t matter
The truth is exactly opposite; you ARE all of those things! It is up to YOU however, to not give into these distorted thought patterns and instead CHOOSE to believe the truth!
The truth is:
- I am enough
- I am worthy
- I am lovable
- My needs do matter
Easier said than done, but if you continue to practice this thought pattern your life will change immensely. You will find yourself having more energy and truly wanting to help others with nothing in return. Why? Because you won’t need anything in return. You will be perfectly content in your own skin.
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